So yesterday was very interesting I learned something valuable I have spent the last while with my ear to the ground listening to the voice of the Great Divine. I woke up yesterday and I was exhausted I heard very clearly stay home rest. I did not. The entire morning I dragged my feet. The thing is it was always a choice. But what I learned in the fact of not listening is that I was walking out in my old way and trying to please. I did not want to not show up because I am a committed person to my commitments.
The thing is it is also important to listen to the still voice. The amazing thing in this was seeing just how amazing the people are that are in my life that has taken the time to spend a day with me the ones that know who I am. They so spoke into my heart and reminded me that I know what to do. I was also released with freedom. I was reminded that I can walk where I am called to and these places would open their doors. and in these places both would be blessed. Wow, that was interesting so I put it to the test. I decided to spend my evening listening. The amazing thing about the Great divine even when we do not listen we are given another chance to listen. Love this.
My adventure that night was life giving and greeted with honor by many I found myself rise up from feeling torn in my heart. I felt my heart grow as I stood there I heard this You have been on a training ground for this right in front of you. I looked around and realized yup this was one of the dreams that were in front of me before the house burnt down. This was the team we all were trying to connect and I knew back then that we were to be doing something great together. And now we are here. All this stuff was for this. These last few months the Great divine has laid out some pretty amazing meetings. I realized we all have been in a training ground also. We were not ready before because we needed to grow to this stage in our lives. See process like I always say is important. You see this is what has helped my heart this morning. I realized this I do not need to have control because things are way smoother when they naturally fall into place. And what others do with their stuff is on them. This just makes life beautiful. My values in my life are this Great divine and the Great divine Values family and friends and loving one another excepting and opening our hearts to see others for who they are building them up and watch them grow. These are the values I will live by.
This is a beautiful thing that happens when you learn to accept the Grace of God. When you realize the Grace and Love and mercy Our Great divine has for us. I entered this Journey a beat up self-hating physical mess. Who was just at the bottom of the barrel person. I felt rejection from every corner so all I knew I could hang onto was the still voice of my good friend Jesus. I knew what came out of his mouth and what actions were taken that this was truth. But in the midst of that God would send friends to walk along the side and popping in words of encouragement I will say these friends are still strong and true to this day. Along with this path God has also brought some beautiful precious moments of healing with reconciliation. The family has grown stronger and closer each step of the walk I see little pockets of light that are transforming. If you truly believe that Papa would leave anything unfinished or return it in pieces than I believe you might need to seek a little harder and realize just who Papa is.
You see That was the beginning of the awakening for me. Seeking truly God show me who you are but the big one was God show me who I am. So I started with this What is Grace I looked it up and this is what I got.
Grace
The word "grace" in biblical parlance can, like forgiveness, repentance, regeneration, and salvation, mean something as broad as describing the whole of God's activity toward man or as narrow as describing one segment of that activity. An accurate, common definition describes grace as the unmerited favor of God toward man. In the Old Testament, the term that most often is translated "grace, " is hen [ej]; in the New Testament, it is charis [cavri"].
When I read the words Favour towards man it was like a light went off in my head. And I realized something He was not Judging me actually he favored me. Then I started to get visions and seeing what my life was meant to be. I started to walk it out. And boy did I face some attack and misunderstanding through this. That is when I realized shoot I deal with rejection. So went after that. basically, I just went after any issue that came up. I realized I truly just love peace in my life I like good things and I will not take shit anymore. I also realize that I also have an amazing opportunity to just let God be my voice in every moment of my day. I am not perfect so do mess it up sometimes lol. But you see that is where Grace speaks. you see this is Grace like a father who truly loves their child has to grace when that child makes a mistake they want the best for their child. So does the Great Divine have for you? Do not dwell on your mistakes but get up and go again. Because remember our Good Father well the picture He has for you is so much different than the one you might have. Grace truly means new beginning every minute of the day natural consequences is what takes place in our mistakes, not punishment for real.
When you realize this it is like realizing you have already faced the hell. So you kind of chill out and you get to feel the presence and peace that comes with not allowing your failures to be what rule your life. To me, this is a precious picture of Grace cause honestly it transformed my life. And now I get to sit back and let this all unfold. When Papa restores your life I promise you it is not in pieces but I also promise it takes you to work through the process and this is not easy. But it does get easier and easier as you go along and it for some will move quickly because Papa is doing a Big work on people's lives right now. When you allow the Great Divine to resonate through every inch of your body it is amazing how healing it is to the body and soul. I encourage you this if you still do not find this then maybe seek Grace and the understanding of it a little deeper. It truly helped me to research just how I work I guess.
I am kind of in a place where I am tired of holding back. I am sick of the gossip and if you think you are smart enough to think it is not known you really need to wake up. Judgment gossip is a horrible thing that is what causes destruction.
I am going to say I am not innocent of these thoughts or actions. I am human but is this our excuse is to live the human existence is to be a cruel devastating lying machine.
And is the church truly the worst for this. How about our government or is our world or just our country or just our town the only place that struggles with the continues of judging others.
How about to stop for the one-second look at their actions. What do you truly see? Look for one moment in the person you are judging and what do you see. Does this person fight through storms that you can not even imagine in your pretty world? or your hidden world. What if the person you are judging is the one that causes you to look deep within your own soul and see what is truly going on.?
What is it that causes us to make assumptions of another when we ourselves have our own mess to deal with?
Have we ever stopped for one second to truly understand What walking in Grace means does it mean we can speak of these actions but when faced with walking them out we do not know how or do we know how? We just stopped listening to the truth that beats within our hearts.
And as a body does seeing someone once a week give you validation to actually think you know them or does actually going into their world seeing their environment when they invite them in to see who they truly are. I think how we truly get to know someone is the example Jesus gave us yup.
You see what example did we have. Many he went into our world from the very beginning. he came and was totally loved at first and then hated in the end. Wow does that not blow your mind. And then in our world even still is laughed at but yet worshiped at the same time. Something that never had the intention to harm but show us true Grace true love true sacrifice a true example of what we ourselves are capable of doing you see if Jesus came to teach us to love then does that not mean we are capable of this. I believe in the trinitarian way or I would say if that does not make sense Greek orthodox is becoming the closest thing I can attain to being something I can connect with at this point.
As all, I am on a Journey and this is a rant from the heart. I have been facing some of this over this week. And I have also been hearing from so many others going through this. So as the Lionheart I was once given the nickname I thought I was told no longer to be silent and hear I am speaking something that even myself can work on. Let's open up our hearts and see what all of us can change a little. We all need each other in the end. The beautiful thing is this. Because actions speak louder than words that's when our true colors get shown either good or bad.
Ha, I just have to laugh every day How can I not wake up in complete joy every day even when I wake up with a sore back and neck every day it never gets me down. And every night I return home I return home in tears but they are tears of great gratitude and joy.
You see I was so enslaved you have no idea. I was tortured by my memories of my past and I was running for many years. You wonder how I have experienced so much well at the same time that I was running inside my soul my mind was still going and trying to find freedom I was seeking love I was looking for what I was told existed but never truly understood. I was so lost and tortured inside. Then my body finally broke and health took over. in that it stopped my mind from spinning and the fear of rejection began to break. I will never forget this day I know this was the day the chains broke and this was the day that I began to seek every inch of my soul and this was the day where I started to see the heavens open and I started to see the transformation in my heart. These were the words that ring through my ear every day.
God align her heavenly body with her physical body. It hit me like a ton of bricks What This is possible if this is possible then there is a possibility of healing. Maybe this is the path to healing. I began the journey I said fine I will do this. The thing is it was a messy thing to walk out and painfully gained and lost some friends but hey man the greatest is having all those that have ever impacted your heart and help you be who you are today because they took the time to mentor you well they all started to rise up and stand with me. And with this I felt like the strength inside of me began to rise I truly started to see what they saw all these years. The thing is it took hard work. It took me willing to go deep.
You know you are on the right track when you now hold a letter in your hand from the government of child protection services stating they made a mistake and now they are saying they are sorry. I was left in an unsafe situation and they know that and they are doing what they can to make up for it. I am watching my family rise up. I am watching reconciliation happening. I have now also been finding it funny as Papa has lined up slowly and surely every mentor that has impacted my life to see just what God has done. When they all see the change man I tell ya that does something to you your confidence rises and you stand even stronger you know you are not alone.
Meanwhile, when I go off every morning I now help others find healing how amazing is this I walked through pain to only in the end be able to relate to so many people. and be able to help them find healing through so many avenues. This brings joy in the morning and tears of thankfulness each night. Meanwhile, in each corner, I know who has my back. My life is becoming a living testimony and I have made some mistakes in it but hey how many of us are perfect on that is the beauty of each day. And a precious thing that Grace shows us.
So what is the change well it is this I have seen God always pointing down on me I knew I had Jesus by my side but this was this constant battle I am loved but you are no good. that was the constant battle and life was about proving myself I never spoke what I truly felt I was too busy saying what I thought others wanted to hear. As the fear was they will hurt you if you speak the truth. Not anymore something I was always taught finally pierced my heart. And I will say this again it was when I heard the words let your heavenly body line up with your physical body. boom I looked around the room and looked at my phone and I realized holy shit look who stands here with me. You are so loved you can do this.
From that moment I took a step over the line of my old mindset into a new mindset. I excepted grace but now I also had to battle through everything I was taught and find out what was truth for me. I am still figuring that out. But the cool thing is I am gaining wisdom and knowledge every day. While gaining more understanding in healing. There is so much to healing it is crazy. We need to look from inside out. and look at the environment and see what needs to change we need to add things that are missing into our body to a line it and make it healthy. We need to also focus on our thoughts each day, not an easy task when you have so many lies in your head from your past and you need to walk through them it is like walking through a wall sometimes. But trust me the other side is worth it. and trust me You for sure need to look at God he is right there with you and he holds the keys to the truth.
Let's face it we are all broken people we all have a story and now it is time to heal the story. Trust me we can all find this it is there for us to grab healing is real. I have found physical and emotional healing from the head to the heart.
I feel like today is a day of miracles I have now been without my meds that keep me alive for 48 hrs for some reason I have not needed them and Sadie is bored lol. I have realized so much in this Journey And I will say this The church messed me up under the law more than my own dysfunctional family. Even in the pain and being kicked when being down in the church. I still served I served for the wrong reasons. It was To show them this is not how God loves but it was not in the right heart. I wanted grace but I myself was also trapped in religion. I had this constant battle inside me the fact my heart new the truth and the fact I was taught opposite and beat down for even thinking outside the box I feel this affected me inside and out and I am the only one to truly blame because I am responsible for my own life.
To me, it was more bitterness walking out and I believe it affected my health it took me out slowly. pain and inner pain can be nasty. It can totally take you out actually just saying. You see I later saw this in my heart and then started to see it effect my heart for God I started to become cold and numb and the circumstances around me made that happen even more. I would say I did not think of anyone but myself.
I even stopped being in the church for a while but barely hung onto God. Then one day I woke up. It came with me being at the point of ending this suffering. I would say it was the beginning of the healing process. I was ready to end the health pain the physical pain the emotional pain and I felt worthless. If even the church saw me as nothing then truly I am even now a waste to God.
And I have screwed up way too much to ever be free of this. I can not be a good mom in this. And that was huge my kids and I lost everything that is another story. We lived on nothing and I new they would be financially set and have a family that was not ill it was not a unselfish act but is at the same time. My boys did not care about the money they care about mom. But that night on my desperate knee I asked God to speak I said to say something as I listened to the song. Say something. I looked in the mirror and said these words. God, you need to show up here I need to know if this will pass. And then my phone went off. it was literally ding ding like crazy. It was my mentors it was the pastors of the churches that hurt me all with I am so sorry. are you ok? I did not even shout out to them. But they new. I then told god two things in that mirror I said: "say something and I will wake up and get this fat ass out of bed and no matter how much pain I have I will work out I will get my health back I will dig into my heart of hearts and get help". God spoke. And I followed through with my vision. I did well too.
But there was so much more after this I was on top of the world so I thought then a car accident took me out. And took my health into the biggest crisis ever. I also found out why my health was a mess before It was everything needed the answer to be able to seek full healing. And I was blaming God for this accident but in fact, it was a blessing in disguise I needed answers this made everything come forward. And no I do not see this as God did this. It was just part of the circumstances that brought it to the forefront. There is something about being told all these words that make you dig deep into your soul you are going to be in a wheelchair for the rest of your life with only being able to use your head. and then being informed after you walked that out you are going to die.
The thing I know now healing is a process there is so much to it. Even down to us looking at our planet that God created to see what Gems he has on earth for healing. There is a lot out here. I learned about mindset the power of our Brain again that God created. traveled all over. Gained friends with wisdom and we experienced the process together. These new friends could see who I was and had no past experiences with me and no rumors or Gossip so it was pure. They were examples of the father's heart. seeing me complete and treating me as if I see it also. This is way more empowering than pointing out the shame and bad. Heck, I think the person living in this sees it and it is most likely torturing them as it is. Heck, their circumstances. The feeling of living without grace alone is tormenting to the soul.
I now believe the fruit and harvest happen when we allow the scales to fall from our eyes and we let go of the pain and bitterness and we embrace the grace and love it just makes you want to reach for the stars because you are already a star. You want to walk in wholeness because you are whole. Yes, the world can talk you down but as you get stronger and you walk through the process of being enlightened and understanding the trinity and understanding that truly we are already free. Then it does not matter what others think of the mistakes in your life that are just what they are they are just a part of the journey there is no shame in it. But as you walk in the process the fruit will show You will not even need to speak it will just happen. Your life things will unfold the vision it will start to happen with ease. Because when you already are that it is not an issue anymore. And remember failure is not truly failure unless you do not learn and get back up. We all must just get up and go dust the dirt from your shoes and move on from the mess.
Now I see I was blind even as a pastor for many years. I now see I am standing on a rock. We all can put on love. I will add this I am very grateful for my church. Do not get me wrong we are not a perfect church but we do walk in grace And we do know how to love even in the mess of life. And for once my church feels more like a family then it does a building with events. it is more of I want to be there just to see my bros and sisters. I feel so blessed. Even though life is a process. I am not perfect as a human But I am perfect and complete with God.
I have to admit What a crazy day. I have to also admit that Wow God had unraveled me today. I have been searching for a missing friend all day today that was in need of being found. The police worked with me in an amazing way. The other thing is this The homeless community were also amazing. I woke up with this song. Today I am no longer a slave. I realized something. I have worked in social justice pretty much my entire working years. Here I am again starting my own business and this all has to do with helping those in need. But then God is like I have more I am going to show you just where you can walk and what can happen when you walk in peace. in the midst of everything I knew I would find my friend. He is more than a friend he is apart of our family. He was living with us back when he was younger so the boys treat him like an older brother. I got to see my boys hearts again. So precious After we found him we got him cleaned up and fed. But as my bud would say tonight the boys were like an older brother. They looked out for him even in the mess of where he was at.
They loved on him. Fed him clothed him Then We met up with the police and in a precious moment of seeing the community coming together, we then made the trip to the hospital and then I got to walk in there with authority also.
I have to say this God showed himself to this song cause as we walked into the house I put it on and I began to cry all I could see was the heart of the father for our foster son. the funny thing is there we are in the hospital and he turns to me. I love this guy even in his pain with addiction he so loves God. He has always heard him really well also. And boy does he know his greek and Hebrew and scripture. The guy is brilliant. He said this and Now just getting ready to write this I am loosing it.
You Leanne he said" You are a great mother you have put those boys first. You have done well. You let go of your oldest and you treat him like a man You encourage your youngest to be all he is. You have gone through so much but you have always loved those that were in your home. You also taught us to never steal from you because you said you would always know and would rather gift us. You are why I know God you are why I am even still here I know I am a mess. But my heart is loved it just is a process.
This is my Journey and love how you are letting me walk it out but being here when I just need to know I am loved. Is good.
It amazes me and shows the heart of the father even in his mess he knows who he is loved by. The hospital did not keep him to help him. So pray he will show up tomorrow for getting into treatment. I am sad the hospital did not keep him. But I also know I can not do anything about that. I know what I am able to do and not. This is a difference because I use to feel like I had to save everyone.
But see with Grace and knowing we are already a part of God I can look at his heart and know all I can do is trust the heart of the Father pray and be here to show the love even if it means having coffee together and making sure he is still functioning. He knows his bros they love him. he knows his family back home love him.
I believe this everyone deserves love and respect and taught they have the power to make their own choices. I see more healing in people over the years if you let them go through the process we can not do the work for them. But we can love and show what options there are. And just hope that through this one day they will realize their value.
I think this is the thing we need to remember we are no longer slaves we are Children of God it says this in scripture and maybe we all need to remember it Colosians 3:1-11 3:1 Pursue with diligence the consequence of your co-inclusion in Christ. Relocate yourself mentally! His resurrection co-raised you to the same position of authority, seated in the strength of God’s right hand.
3:2 Becoming affectionately acquainted with Throne Room thoughts will keep you from being distracted again by the earthly (soul-ruled) realm.
3:3 Your union with His death broke the association with that world; the secret of your life now is the fact that you are wrapped up with Christ in God.
3:4 Every time Christ is revealed as our life, we are being co-revealed in the same glory (likeness and image of God) being united together with Him.
3:5 Consider the members of your body as dead and buried towards everything related to the porn industry, sensual uncleanness, longing for forbidden things, lust and greed which are just another form of idol worship.
3:6 It was because of these things that the anger of God fell upon His son.
3:7 Because of our unbelief we were all once swept along into a lifestyle of lust.
3:8 But now you can permanently rid yourselves of all these things: things such as violent outbursts of rage, depression, all manner of wickedness, slander (any attempt to belittle someone else and to cause someone to fall into disrepute or to receive a bad reputation, which is blasphemy) and every form of irregular conversation.
3:9 We are no longer obliged to live under the rule of a sinful nature, neither are we cheating anyone through false pretensions,
3:10 but we stand fully identified in the new creation renewed in knowledge according to the pattern of the exact image of our Creator.
3:11 The revelation of Christ in everyone gives identity to the individual beyond anything he could ever be as a Greek or a Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, foreigner, savage, slave or free. From now on everyone is defined by Christ; everyone is included in Christ.
Oh, my what a crazy 24 hrs. I mean I spent Sunday looking for someone missing Thank God between the homeless community and the police we were able to find him. I also went into the mountains for some down time and then a worship meeting. Pretty good time actually. Then I went to the hospital to go see my friend who was missing. And spent some quality time with my friend took him to a shelter . SO I think to myself well I am exhausted the night before I had 3 hrs sleep and this time I got 2 hrs sleep. Why well I get home to a sink full of a science experiment or something you never know with teens. They do the strangest things and my boys have always done some strange youtube science experiment I have come home to much unique science experiences never a dull moment in my house.
So ya I get home to a sink full of water and smelling like Neet hair removal. Oh great, I think So I think to myself well I could fix this easy probably just take the pipe off under the sink and clean it out. Oh my gosh, it was a bigger job than I thought. lol, Let's say this a bottle of Neet does not belong down a sink and that was a lot of hair. it was like hard liquid sludge and here I am in the middle of the night now having to fix this. Well then you know you get into you have everything out of under the sink out of the cupboard so I mean you might as well get that organized. And then if you are me well you can not have a dirty bathroom so then it was cleaned.
The funny part is this you have two teenagers in the house you know you did not do this cause you were out. And well I do not need to use that. But yet they are like what do you mean neet. So either some strange creature lives in my house that is smart enough to remove their hair with Neet it can not be Sadie she still has hair and it can not be the other two dogs they are too dumb lol and have hair. Hmm, I wonder. could be one of their friends but how do you not know who filled the sink like that how can you not see the sink is full in the first place.
Does anyone else have a strange creature living in their home that does things cause no one else has done it in the home? ( sarcasm) oh, my goodness teens. Oh, the life of a mom I think we are part detective cause we always are trying to figure out who could have done that.
Today has been a day of full on laughter I mean I just kept reflecting on my year. Then kept reflecting on how I thought just a year ago. Oh man, all I could do was laugh like all day at everything. I even visited a friend and decided to get her laughing also. This is why I was so happy today because man what was I thinking Why did I ever get so trapped by the law. I mean really do you realize how powerful your brain is and that you can almost convince yourself that way is right and the way to be. I was told it was a message of love but it felt like a message of control a way to put the bit in. I am done because I tell you Grace is beautiful I am able to be free to share my daily life no judgment just be me. And even if I am a judge I do not give a rip cause I get to laugh at that.
The thing is I knew it was this from the beginning but I was afraid do you know how many times I have faced death even before I entered the church on my own. But slowly I just felt hammered down I felt like I was never good enough. But yet control was all I new in my home and out yet rebellion was written on my heart or was it.
I have come to the conclusion what was written on my heart living in a world that was messed up and full of pain and horror was I actually had love. I saw the past always have been. But then I was taught Judgment. all that did was not make my heart soft but make me hard make me wear masks. I did not even know how to function well in relationships even my marriage was full of judgments by both parties. We both judged each other. I judged so many people under the law.
When I first came to my church I was taken for a whiplash of a ride I was faced with every emotion that I can imagine. it was a nightmare at the same time I faced life and death with my health. My heart pounded with such joy. But my walls came up so fast and soon enough I was caught up in the typical trap I began to feel like I had to prove myself. Frick, I knew inside I had to fight through this. I knew I had to hang on.
My mind needed a shift because my heart was ready to give out even physically it was crazy as I fought through every painful moment of every inch of my life I decided to listen to my heart. This then had me also remember what my joy was when did I lose this freedom? When Did I loose the ability to be able to close my eyes and center in with Jesus? When did I loose my passion for others? When did I become selfish this is not me. Then I heard this when did the lion get locked in the cage. Oh my goodness, the words hit me. YOU CARE TO MUCH. Ha, that was the lie. I began to laugh when I heard that one. Ya right, how can you ever care too much Jesus loved us so much he paid the price he took us with him and he set us free. So to love is this not the key to true happiness. And how do you find that well when you recognize you are truly loved and that You are truly set free then the true understanding of grace hits your heart and shatters every cold ice cube and melts it. the thing is as this begins to happen it is up to you if you are willing to go through the process. I think we look way too much for the microwave effect. When in reality we need to let our hearts become one with our minds and have them connect and realize we actually can have a mindset shift and find a complete connection cause Well God gave us that ability.
Then what you get is this the little girl that was dancing in the field of daisies on the side of a mountain. Ya, that is you. And as that happens you unfold and you realize how to have relationships you realize how to relax because everything just makes sense. The greatest is when you come face to face with the things you once would hide in a closet and you would hide in shame well you come face to face with them and you realize this is a choice I am making for me not because I feel like a finger is pointing at me and I am going to burn but because I not only love myself enough but I know I am loved. The thing that is beautiful is it shows me the house is on a rock, not the sand. God has blown my mind and I have had chains fall off because my mind found that peace with my heart. And now I realize not only am I a child of God but I am saved by Grace I am a part of the trinity the work is complete the simple Gospel is a beautiful essence of the presence. This is now where the words I was once blind but now I see make so much more sense to me. I feel like I can pick up the word again. I have begun to study again and preparing to speak again. This mouth is about to match up with its heart. And this is Where being in a Grace church has been such a precious thing. Cause I tell ya there were times I just wanted to run.
But when I truly realized and was awaken instead it just makes me want to embrace it as family and realize this family can be messy sometimes but it is precious and this family I feel is even safe enough to bring my own flesh family to cause I know with no shadow of a doubt they will be excepted even in their mess. The funny thing what I took as rejection while I was going through the process was actually patience a kind way of waiting that beats pushing away any day. Finding out who you really are is a precious thing. Do not allow a person to be in the way of your hearts vision the great divine dwells within your DNA the truth is written on your heart.
It has been an interesting season I have watched this life unfold in ways I could not imagine. I have watched God transform this life. And every day is just a shock because right now I am in the season of coming up with some memories of where I was last year at this time.
Today I spent the day reflecting. I was thinking about this season and Saw I had some heart issues to work on. The amazing thing is having some amazing friends to walk through with them. I love it when we realize that we need a mindset shift and even a generational mindset shift we know what to do. And just like that, you can walk through the block.
I realized after reflecting on my life I had a blockage. This blockage is that I had a tape in my mind and that was a fear of failure. The cool thing is I was able to trace this back to an inner DNA thing. Yup you can have things that can actually hold you back in success and it can be even deep rooted and you do not even know.
Then it is so amazing cause I was reflecting on this all day and walking through it. I had a sick day today and so I took the day off went for a walk and then a meeting in the evening then time with the girls. So this is the crazy changes I have noticed. I use to not be the chick that had many girlfriends because I did not trust them. I have been hurt by so many and I kind of grew up with a really messed up mom and there was no trust in our relationship. again a long story but I grew up with a mom with multiple personalities. Trust me this is not fun to grow up with along with she dealt with manic depression I never understood this till. I was fighting for my life for a year. Now I understand depression. I get this. I never let anyone in truly my best friends were guys. I had one girlfriend that was my bestie but she was like me. And the girlfriends I did keep pretty much were like me so I was able to let them in a little again a little. But when I was in the hospital it was the women who came to see me that I would say made some pretty huge impact on me.
I was seen in some pretty weak vulnerable moments in my life. And I let them in I sometimes laugh because I do not think they even realize how much that meant to me cause I find it hard to get into their world. but that is ok. Because the funny thing is the people I actually at first did not give the time of day to. I decided to stop that and let them in. They wanted to be my friends so much they would not stop trying to be in my world I thought ok. I will let you in. And I will say they have become some pretty special friends. I can call them anytime they call me anytime. We text at least every day. We do not let a week go by without going out together. Oh and the adventures we have had wow what a crazy summer. I mean come on I have seen and done things this summer that is out of this world. I feel like life is fantastic now. I love letting people in. I am learning how to give back cause so many poured into me.
I am so grateful for every situation even the ones that have been painful because they cause you to grow. I can either let them tear me down or I can let them make me grow. You know I tell ya I actually realized for the first time in my life that people are actually important and matter and I think everyone deserves to just be loved for who they are. I mean come on I think it is even starting to show up in our tv shows. for instance How I met your mother. if you have seen that show you have these group of crazy friends who meet at the pub they are so so different from each other. But yet they just love each other for where they are. And when they need an intervention they had that. There are so many instances where the world is just looking for love. People need one another. We always talk about all we need is God nothing else I do not think this is true. If God thought that way do you think he would have made us with a man and woman? Just saying I think we need to realize we actually can heal people's hearts and even help their health by a simple gesture of love. Anyway, those were my thoughts today.
Hey everyone how are you doing? Wow ok, so lately I wake up at these weird times. Normally I will look up whatever scripture there is for that time. I did that and this time, I kept feeling like that was not what the message was. So opened my bible to what every page it landed on this morning and I open it to this. 1:24 This is why no form of suffering can interfere with my joy. Every suffering on your behalf is just another opportunity to reinforce that which might still be lacking (in your understanding) of the affliction of Christ on behalf of His body which is the church.
It hit me hard I was wow I keep waking up at this time. Is this what you were trying to show me. So I began to pray for the church. I started to realize in my travels and in my experience of talking with people they were not offended by talking about God they were hurt by the church. I realize when I have traveled that size in the building was getting less. and more and more I heard this person stopped going to church because of they have too much hurt.
I realized when I woke up to the fact of why I keep waking up at this time. I am not sure we look at church with the correct set of eyes. I realize I did not I looked at the church in the same expectation and eyes of how I saw God. But then When I thought about this I realized what if people were shown how to see with God's eyes of the church. I asked God how do you see the church.
I saw his eyes water up and then I heard this how do you see your children. I right then and there had my eyes fill up with tears God I love my children I do not like always what They do But I can not control what they choose all I can do is teach them right from wrong and hope for the best. But I have so much love for them that I could honestly do just about anything for them to keep them safe to show them, my love.
Then I heard this I see my Church as my body I love them They are my bride. I see them as complete I see them for what they are called to. But my eyes are with tears because the bride is hurting one another. I saw it then. We have been standing against each other instead of together. I realized we were too busy seeing with eyes of judgment we were too busy pointing out the flaws instead of the good.
Then he showed me where things were good. He showed me pictures of people helping those in need the things people were praying in secret. I realized this the one thing that drove the good was love.
Then I started to look at where the dysfunction was it is where we lacked in love. It was where we did not put love on first. it was where we judged. I do not believe it is our job to judge but to love. You see here is where I see the power in grace and love. I have watched from my own experience that even as I loved the most messed up people in society that they would blossom and become good they would change their lives sometimes it took years but I also know that when I stood with them even in their mess that they knew they were not alone.
Even in my time in the hospital, I watched those that were alone the ones that faded the quickest. I also watched people pass that in the entire time I was there they had no one see them. I realized this that health even took love. I realized it was also the church that helped me find that healing. obvious there is something important to loving one another. They say if a child does not receive the love they will die. It seems to me love is a huge key in everything we do.
Then I heard this What am I. I was taken back again you are love was my response. Then it hit me again. we always look with eyes of judgment even judging individual people in our body we will even push them away. I could then feel the pain of rejection and realized I have felt this also. And what did I do? I ran from the body.
This season has been different when I feel like running I have decided to do the opposite I realized every church has it's issues just like every family has its issues. But this is where I am supposed to be what if I stayed was my response this year. What if I fight through the feelings of rejection. And what if I dig in and create relationships and know that just as life is a process so is building the relationship. And what if I looked at my body as a family I do not always like what they do but I will love them. You see we do not choose our family it is what we are given What if your body is the place God put you in because you are a part of the package you were an important piece of the puzzle for that body. I guess what I got out of this is this we need to look with in our hearts and maybe see what we need to do individually to create a better community with one another. Blessings all hope you enjoyed my heart this morning. and my talks with God.
If you truly want to know what I am about what is the biggest thing that makes my heart beat this would be it. I am always about building community. And I am about the team. I use to have an amazing team back in Saskatoon. If any of you read this I just want to say even in our inexperience and dysfunction we have to admit we had a strong team and we knew how to build a family and also how to respect each other and give each other special time with our family. Every band I have been in every community I have been apart of a building has always been family first. Love that.
Then there was this time that my heart was crushed it was totally destroyed this happened when my house was burnt to the ground. I built walls. I would not let anyone in. Not a soul I spent it being just this musician who traveled from church to church doing worship. I would pour my heart out to the father cause that I never let go of. Just people and Church. I still had a community of people the cool thing is it required me to travel to the mountains to see them and the entire time these friends always had my back. Let's face it during this time letting go of the church for me was also me figuring out life and what I believed it meant I made some unwise choices and made some wise ones. But this caused my life to fall into a depth of poverty that just ripped me of everything.
My heart was destroyed and so was my world. You see I have more than one miracle in my life. Anyway here is a gist of it without me writing a book at this moment. You see I was searching for love and some of that was in the wrong place but yet I do not regret my life because it made me see the world that woken something up inside me. Sometimes hitting the bottom is the best place to land. In my chaos, I did not ever stop family that was always top. But in this, my kids learned parents make mistakes and yet this parent chose to make them a part of the victory because what better witnesses than the ones who see the change every day. So let me let you in a little. I was practically living with a boyfriend something I never thought I would ever do. A person with very strong morals lost some of those morals. I will also say this. It opened my eyes up to who I was. At least it was a start. I learned my entire life I can say I never felt loved. I felt less than and Judged miss understood yes. Rejected and afraid yes. Growing up I learned if you say what you think you will get knocked out. Say what they want to hear and you are safe.
My step brother and I remember taking blame for stuff just to take a grounding when we never even did the crime. I spent my life taking blame for stuff I did not do. I have learned now that is not what you do.
I had to learn to become an adult because I left home at an early age. Thank God new what he was doing and surrounded me with some amazing spiritual fathers and mentors. You guys know who you are thanks.
So back to where I was going anyway on Jan 5 I remember hitting rock bottom I was living off of 400 a month after housing charges. My boys and I were forced to live on faith. I realized this. I have two options here. I either end things in my life and know they have a great family to be with and will be financially set for the rest of their lives and help the family who would have them also. At this point, my health was going down hill. And I was on a hand full of medications I could barely afford to just keep me going. I was in pain every day. And I did not want to put my kids through this.
So I was listening to the song (Say something) By Christina Aguilera I shouted out to God. Say something here cause I see only two options I am not even allowed to work what Can I do I am stripped of everything that I know. At this point, I did not even have many relationships cause I chose to be a hermit. I was alone pretty much except for a few friends But again they did not know what I was going through. I was hiding it. well, at least I thought this. I look in the mirror and I have the plan and then all of a sudden my phone starts dinging my computer starts going off. It was all my mentors from throughout my life. And some were saying sorry and others were saying what is going on you are strongly in my heart. So I told them. I let them in. And at that moment I knew what I was going to do.
The next day I rolled out of bed and began to do push-ups I started to work out. I stepped outside and went to the store and filled my fridge with healthy food with the little I had in my account. I decided I was going to get healthy and fight to work again. I wanted to provide again for my family. Then I walked into my Dr's office and told him I am done with these meds how can I survive this disease and not be on this crap.
He looked at me and said the one thing you keep saying no to. it was Cannabis CBD yes at this point I said let's do this. I am done these meds are destroying my life and I want to try a natural approach. You need to know they had me on strong narcotics just to live with the pain I lived with. I knew this was not going to be easy as it had been 15 years of 12 prescriptions just to function. Well, guess what in 3 months after being on CBD blended with THC for the painful times. I was no longer on any chemicals for prescriptions I had also lost 65 lbs on my own. Life was amazing I was getting healthy felt great. I started to do small jobs here and there to build up the ability to work again.
I truly thought I hit the season where everything returns also my band returned home so that was also huge. But it was not over the pain I thought was the most pain I had already faced was not over. You see at this point I had worked so hard I had become a new person. But I realize now another storm was going to hit and it would be the biggest storm I have ever faced in my life. I realized something this storm did, though. It showed me the parts of my life that were built on solid rock and the parts that were built on the sand.
On Aug 22 I went from being told I would spend the rest of my life paralyzed from the neck down due to a horrible car wreck. All I could do was tell the Dr no way. Every day I sat there in the hospital my response was the same no way. inside I had the largest war going on the fear of what if this is real this time. it was the realization I still had some deep soul searching to go through. I did not want to die but yet I am faced with I do not want to be a burden to my children. If I am just ahead what Will I be if I can not play music what can I do? I am yet at the bottom here with only the options to just have a mindset shift and believe what I am saying. I said to the Dr no way. So I am going to stand in this. I remember sitting there even commanding my body to line up. And then John and Yvette came in laid hands on me and prayed. After came the shock I was being taken to VGH another MRI and the next thing I know is the DR. comes running in and states that the bleed is gone haha. I was correct you see I also told him I was walking out of here. lol, I walked but quite funny still could not feel my legs from my knee to my toes. But I did not care I was so full of Joy I could play guitar and I was determined to learn to play drums again just modify the kit.
So this is Where God takes the healing to the next level and also Where I learn I was not even close to being done this process. Out of respect and love for my dear friends John and Yvette who prayed for me and stood with me throughout my hard times in life, we would go to this conference they invited us to. Fricken heck had no idea it would become not only my church but the place where God stretches me beyond. But a place I consider family and like any family we have messy times also. But this is where the sand would be dissolved and my home would be built on solid rock.
On this day I also would receive the second part of my healing to be able to walk again. Yup and this became a written medical miracle. How sweet is that? But also on this day I also found some of the connections that would be a huge part of this Journey to find myself and healing to go from death to life. Where reconciliation and Victory becomes a reality. Let me first tell you this entire process was not easy and messy at times But this will go into more detail in a book. But put it this way in a year I had several procedures surgeries and bled for 7 months and way too much blood loss. I was skin and bone at this point and weak for quite a long time. for 7 months I was on liquids only for 11 months I was on a strict diet of very little and flavor did not become an option till an amazing chef taught me how to make stuff with the ingredients I could use but even that chef admitted that this diet was difficult to even for the chef to create with.
The thing is though at the same time I was going through the depths of my soul digging through the pain of my heart facing the old mindsets and learning new ways to think. learning to except love. The problem is your heart desires love but when you are afraid you push it away by either being desperate because that is what happens when you do not know love then find it. It becomes a love hate battle in your mind. The reality is you have to accept the love and it was not until I truly recognized that what I believed in the beginning but what honestly the church taught me the opposite so I thought I was wrong. I learned that when I first met Jesus on the mountain and what he showed me was real. The man was not correct. This is the truth He died He finished the work He is not judging you he is loving you and walking through this life called humanity. We make mistakes and he already washed it clean. every day truly is a new start. So now learning this you think ok that is it easy right.
Frick no I had to go through the process of actually walking it out to have it embedded in my heart. in the depth of my soul. Haha and from running from man all these years I now was in a place where no matter how much I wanted to run everyone pointed me back to be immersed in the place that truly was actually showing that love. They believed the same way I did and when I sat back and thought of church like a family reunion then It shifted for me. Ha ha Cause come on family reunions we all love each other we do not always like each other but we love each other and if ya mess with us we have your back. lol. that is family and This Church I will say showed me that. They also taught me to actually make an effort to have relationships. Ya see that is a good thing when you are hiding then it makes you come out. lol.
The thing is God has been amazing also because in this process I also traveled a lot and in my travels met new relationships of amazing people to have to speak into your life. And it is pretty cool cause even in their insane schedules they make sure they take the time to encourage me and like clockwork on the days I am feeling low without even making an effort generally I will get a word of encouragement. I have been truly blessed with some amazing friends. The thing is life did not stop there I finally reached a place of healing from the one thing that was going to take me to my grave. I still have health problems but the natural medicine truly helps me function a normal life. The amazing thing is I have gone from being a person of Need to now being again the person of giving. I have become the person who was unable to get out of bed to someone who has leaped bounds I still sometimes have days I need to rest. But I am doing the things that give me a life I am running my own business and it is built on helping others find healing for their health. I started that by doing everything for free for a while actually mostly giving out of my own pocket to show my worth. I did it worked and now life is starting to come together. Look forward to making my first pay. I am so grateful for a good church like Genesis and Bethel in Redding and friends all over California who just help support and encourage and prayed for me for days and weeks and months. You all know who you are. And those who gave me a place to have someone to talk to when I was fighting through Sickle cell. And yes that is gone healed. The process is beautiful and so is the victory.
let me know if you enjoy this and if you would love to get to read one day a more in-depth story from beginning to now. Cause I honestly this is just a tiny smidgen of the story.
