Finding Victory
Then there was this time that my heart was crushed it was totally destroyed this happened when my house was burnt to the ground. I built walls. I would not let anyone in. Not a soul I spent it being just this musician who traveled from church to church doing worship. I would pour my heart out to the father cause that I never let go of. Just people and Church. I still had a community of people the cool thing is it required me to travel to the mountains to see them and the entire time these friends always had my back. Let's face it during this time letting go of the church for me was also me figuring out life and what I believed it meant I made some unwise choices and made some wise ones. But this caused my life to fall into a depth of poverty that just ripped me of everything.
My heart was destroyed and so was my world. You see I have more than one miracle in my life. Anyway here is a gist of it without me writing a book at this moment. You see I was searching for love and some of that was in the wrong place but yet I do not regret my life because it made me see the world that woken something up inside me. Sometimes hitting the bottom is the best place to land. In my chaos, I did not ever stop family that was always top. But in this, my kids learned parents make mistakes and yet this parent chose to make them a part of the victory because what better witnesses than the ones who see the change every day. So let me let you in a little. I was practically living with a boyfriend something I never thought I would ever do. A person with very strong morals lost some of those morals. I will also say this. It opened my eyes up to who I was. At least it was a start. I learned my entire life I can say I never felt loved. I felt less than and Judged miss understood yes. Rejected and afraid yes. Growing up I learned if you say what you think you will get knocked out. Say what they want to hear and you are safe.
My step brother and I remember taking blame for stuff just to take a grounding when we never even did the crime. I spent my life taking blame for stuff I did not do. I have learned now that is not what you do.
I had to learn to become an adult because I left home at an early age. Thank God new what he was doing and surrounded me with some amazing spiritual fathers and mentors. You guys know who you are thanks.
So back to where I was going anyway on Jan 5 I remember hitting rock bottom I was living off of 400 a month after housing charges. My boys and I were forced to live on faith. I realized this. I have two options here. I either end things in my life and know they have a great family to be with and will be financially set for the rest of their lives and help the family who would have them also. At this point, my health was going down hill. And I was on a hand full of medications I could barely afford to just keep me going. I was in pain every day. And I did not want to put my kids through this.
So I was listening to the song (Say something) By Christina Aguilera I shouted out to God. Say something here cause I see only two options I am not even allowed to work what Can I do I am stripped of everything that I know. At this point, I did not even have many relationships cause I chose to be a hermit. I was alone pretty much except for a few friends But again they did not know what I was going through. I was hiding it. well, at least I thought this. I look in the mirror and I have the plan and then all of a sudden my phone starts dinging my computer starts going off. It was all my mentors from throughout my life. And some were saying sorry and others were saying what is going on you are strongly in my heart. So I told them. I let them in. And at that moment I knew what I was going to do.
The next day I rolled out of bed and began to do push-ups I started to work out. I stepped outside and went to the store and filled my fridge with healthy food with the little I had in my account. I decided I was going to get healthy and fight to work again. I wanted to provide again for my family. Then I walked into my Dr's office and told him I am done with these meds how can I survive this disease and not be on this crap.
He looked at me and said the one thing you keep saying no to. it was Cannabis CBD yes at this point I said let's do this. I am done these meds are destroying my life and I want to try a natural approach. You need to know they had me on strong narcotics just to live with the pain I lived with. I knew this was not going to be easy as it had been 15 years of 12 prescriptions just to function. Well, guess what in 3 months after being on CBD blended with THC for the painful times. I was no longer on any chemicals for prescriptions I had also lost 65 lbs on my own. Life was amazing I was getting healthy felt great. I started to do small jobs here and there to build up the ability to work again.
I truly thought I hit the season where everything returns also my band returned home so that was also huge. But it was not over the pain I thought was the most pain I had already faced was not over. You see at this point I had worked so hard I had become a new person. But I realize now another storm was going to hit and it would be the biggest storm I have ever faced in my life. I realized something this storm did, though. It showed me the parts of my life that were built on solid rock and the parts that were built on the sand.
On Aug 22 I went from being told I would spend the rest of my life paralyzed from the neck down due to a horrible car wreck. All I could do was tell the Dr no way. Every day I sat there in the hospital my response was the same no way. inside I had the largest war going on the fear of what if this is real this time. it was the realization I still had some deep soul searching to go through. I did not want to die but yet I am faced with I do not want to be a burden to my children. If I am just ahead what Will I be if I can not play music what can I do? I am yet at the bottom here with only the options to just have a mindset shift and believe what I am saying. I said to the Dr no way. So I am going to stand in this. I remember sitting there even commanding my body to line up. And then John and Yvette came in laid hands on me and prayed. After came the shock I was being taken to VGH another MRI and the next thing I know is the DR. comes running in and states that the bleed is gone haha. I was correct you see I also told him I was walking out of here. lol, I walked but quite funny still could not feel my legs from my knee to my toes. But I did not care I was so full of Joy I could play guitar and I was determined to learn to play drums again just modify the kit.
So this is Where God takes the healing to the next level and also Where I learn I was not even close to being done this process. Out of respect and love for my dear friends John and Yvette who prayed for me and stood with me throughout my hard times in life, we would go to this conference they invited us to. Fricken heck had no idea it would become not only my church but the place where God stretches me beyond. But a place I consider family and like any family we have messy times also. But this is where the sand would be dissolved and my home would be built on solid rock.
On this day I also would receive the second part of my healing to be able to walk again. Yup and this became a written medical miracle. How sweet is that? But also on this day I also found some of the connections that would be a huge part of this Journey to find myself and healing to go from death to life. Where reconciliation and Victory becomes a reality. Let me first tell you this entire process was not easy and messy at times But this will go into more detail in a book. But put it this way in a year I had several procedures surgeries and bled for 7 months and way too much blood loss. I was skin and bone at this point and weak for quite a long time. for 7 months I was on liquids only for 11 months I was on a strict diet of very little and flavor did not become an option till an amazing chef taught me how to make stuff with the ingredients I could use but even that chef admitted that this diet was difficult to even for the chef to create with.
The thing is though at the same time I was going through the depths of my soul digging through the pain of my heart facing the old mindsets and learning new ways to think. learning to except love. The problem is your heart desires love but when you are afraid you push it away by either being desperate because that is what happens when you do not know love then find it. It becomes a love hate battle in your mind. The reality is you have to accept the love and it was not until I truly recognized that what I believed in the beginning but what honestly the church taught me the opposite so I thought I was wrong. I learned that when I first met Jesus on the mountain and what he showed me was real. The man was not correct. This is the truth He died He finished the work He is not judging you he is loving you and walking through this life called humanity. We make mistakes and he already washed it clean. every day truly is a new start. So now learning this you think ok that is it easy right.
Frick no I had to go through the process of actually walking it out to have it embedded in my heart. in the depth of my soul. Haha and from running from man all these years I now was in a place where no matter how much I wanted to run everyone pointed me back to be immersed in the place that truly was actually showing that love. They believed the same way I did and when I sat back and thought of church like a family reunion then It shifted for me. Ha ha Cause come on family reunions we all love each other we do not always like each other but we love each other and if ya mess with us we have your back. lol. that is family and This Church I will say showed me that. They also taught me to actually make an effort to have relationships. Ya see that is a good thing when you are hiding then it makes you come out. lol.
The thing is God has been amazing also because in this process I also traveled a lot and in my travels met new relationships of amazing people to have to speak into your life. And it is pretty cool cause even in their insane schedules they make sure they take the time to encourage me and like clockwork on the days I am feeling low without even making an effort generally I will get a word of encouragement. I have been truly blessed with some amazing friends. The thing is life did not stop there I finally reached a place of healing from the one thing that was going to take me to my grave. I still have health problems but the natural medicine truly helps me function a normal life. The amazing thing is I have gone from being a person of Need to now being again the person of giving. I have become the person who was unable to get out of bed to someone who has leaped bounds I still sometimes have days I need to rest. But I am doing the things that give me a life I am running my own business and it is built on helping others find healing for their health. I started that by doing everything for free for a while actually mostly giving out of my own pocket to show my worth. I did it worked and now life is starting to come together. Look forward to making my first pay. I am so grateful for a good church like Genesis and Bethel in Redding and friends all over California who just help support and encourage and prayed for me for days and weeks and months. You all know who you are. And those who gave me a place to have someone to talk to when I was fighting through Sickle cell. And yes that is gone healed. The process is beautiful and so is the victory.
let me know if you enjoy this and if you would love to get to read one day a more in-depth story from beginning to now. Cause I honestly this is just a tiny smidgen of the story.
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