Accepting Grace is freedom.

Today has been a day of full on laughter I mean I just kept reflecting on my year. Then kept reflecting on how I thought just a year ago. Oh man, all I could do was laugh like all day at everything. I even visited a friend and decided to get her laughing also. This is why I was so happy today because man what was I thinking Why did I ever get so trapped by the law. I mean really do you realize how powerful your brain is and that you can almost convince yourself that way is right and the way to be. I was told it was a message of love but it felt like a message of control a way to put the bit in. I am done because I tell you Grace is beautiful I am able to be free to share my daily life no judgment just be me. And even if I am a judge I do not give a rip cause I get to laugh at that.

The thing is I knew it was this from the beginning but I was afraid do you know how many times I have faced death even before I entered the church on my own. But slowly I just felt hammered down I felt like I was never good enough. But yet control was all I new in my home and out yet rebellion was written on my heart or was it.

I have come to the conclusion what was written on my heart living in a world that was messed up and full of pain and horror was I actually had love. I saw the past always have been. But then I was taught Judgment. all that did was not make my heart soft but make me hard make me wear masks. I did not even know how to function well in relationships even my marriage was full of judgments by both parties. We both judged each other. I judged so many people under the law.

When I first came to my church I was taken for a whiplash of a ride I was faced with every emotion that I can imagine. it was a nightmare at the same time I faced life and death with my health. My heart pounded with such joy. But my walls came up so fast and soon enough I was caught up in the typical trap I began to feel like I had to prove myself. Frick, I knew inside I had to fight through this. I knew I had to hang on.

My mind needed a shift because my heart was ready to give out even physically it was crazy as I fought through every painful moment of every inch of my life I decided to listen to my heart. This then had me also remember what my joy was when did I lose this freedom? When Did I loose the ability to be able to close my eyes and center in with Jesus? When did I loose my passion for others? When did I become selfish this is not me. Then I heard this when did the lion get locked in the cage. Oh my goodness, the words hit me. YOU CARE TO MUCH. Ha, that was the lie. I began to laugh when I heard that one. Ya right, how can you ever care too much Jesus loved us so much he paid the price he took us with him and he set us free. So to love is this not the key to true happiness. And how do you find that well when you recognize you are truly loved and that You are truly set free then the true understanding of grace hits your heart and shatters every cold ice cube and melts it. the thing is as this begins to happen it is up to you if you are willing to go through the process. I think we look way too much for the microwave effect. When in reality we need to let our hearts become one with our minds and have them connect and realize we actually can have a mindset shift and find a complete connection cause Well God gave us that ability.

Then what you get is this the little girl that was dancing in the field of daisies on the side of a mountain. Ya, that is you. And as that happens you unfold and you realize how to have relationships you realize how to relax because everything just makes sense. The greatest is when you come face to face with the things you once would hide in a closet and you would hide in shame well you come face to face with them and you realize this is a choice I am making for me not because I feel like a finger is pointing at me and I am going to burn but because I not only love myself enough but I know I am loved. The thing that is beautiful is it shows me the house is on a rock, not the sand. God has blown my mind and I have had chains fall off because my mind found that peace with my heart. And now I realize not only am I a child of God but I am saved by Grace I am a part of the trinity the work is complete the simple Gospel is a beautiful essence of the presence. This is now where the words I was once blind but now I see make so much more sense to me. I feel like I can pick up the word again. I have begun to study again and preparing to speak again. This mouth is about to match up with its heart. And this is Where being in a Grace church has been such a precious thing. Cause I tell ya there were times I just wanted to run.

But when I truly realized and was awaken instead it just makes me want to embrace it as family and realize this family can be messy sometimes but it is precious and this family I feel is even safe enough to bring my own flesh family to cause I know with no shadow of a doubt they will be excepted even in their mess. The funny thing what I took as rejection while I was going through the process was actually patience a kind way of waiting that beats pushing away any day. Finding out who you really are is a precious thing. Do not allow a person to be in the way of your hearts vision the great divine dwells within your DNA the truth is written on your heart. 

Nothing like beautiful relationships.

It has been an interesting season I have watched this life unfold in ways I could not imagine. I have watched God transform this life. And every day is just a shock because right now I am in the season of coming up with some memories of where I was last year at this time.

Today I spent the day reflecting. I was thinking about this season and Saw I had some heart issues to work on. The amazing thing is having some amazing friends to walk through with them. I love it when we realize that we need a mindset shift and even a generational mindset shift we know what to do. And just like that, you can walk through the block.

I realized after reflecting on my life I had a blockage. This blockage is that I had a tape in my mind and that was a fear of failure. The cool thing is I was able to trace this back to an inner DNA thing. Yup you can have things that can actually hold you back in success and it can be even deep rooted and you do not even know.

Then it is so amazing cause I was reflecting on this all day and walking through it. I had a sick day today and so I took the day off went for a walk and then a meeting in the evening then time with the girls. So this is the crazy changes I have noticed. I use to not be the chick that had many girlfriends because I did not trust them. I have been hurt by so many and I kind of grew up with a really messed up mom and there was no trust in our relationship. again a long story but I grew up with a mom with multiple personalities. Trust me this is not fun to grow up with along with she dealt with manic depression I never understood this till. I was fighting for my life for a year. Now I understand depression. I get this. I never let anyone in truly my best friends were guys. I had one girlfriend that was my bestie but she was like me. And the girlfriends I did keep pretty much were like me so I was able to let them in a little again a little. But when I was in the hospital it was the women who came to see me that I would say made some pretty huge impact on me.

I was seen in some pretty weak vulnerable moments in my life. And I let them in I sometimes laugh because I do not think they even realize how much that meant to me cause I find it hard to get into their world. but that is ok. Because the funny thing is the people I actually at first did not give the time of day to. I decided to stop that and let them in. They wanted to be my friends so much they would not stop trying to be in my world I thought ok. I will let you in. And I will say they have become some pretty special friends. I can call them anytime they call me anytime. We text at least every day. We do not let a week go by without going out together. Oh and the adventures we have had wow what a crazy summer. I mean come on I have seen and done things this summer that is out of this world. I feel like life is fantastic now. I love letting people in. I am learning how to give back cause so many poured into me.

I am so grateful for every situation even the ones that have been painful because they cause you to grow. I can either let them tear me down or I can let them make me grow. You know I tell ya I actually realized for the first time in my life that people are actually important and matter and I think everyone deserves to just be loved for who they are. I mean come on I think it is even starting to show up in our tv shows. for instance How I met your mother. if you have seen that show you have these group of crazy friends who meet at the pub they are so so different from each other. But yet they just love each other for where they are. And when they need an intervention they had that. There are so many instances where the world is just looking for love. People need one another. We always talk about all we need is God nothing else I do not think this is true. If God thought that way do you think he would have made us with a man and woman? Just saying I think we need to realize we actually can heal people's hearts and even help their health by a simple gesture of love. Anyway, those were my thoughts today. 

The church seeing with open eyes.

Hey everyone how are you doing? Wow ok, so lately I wake up at these weird times. Normally I will look up whatever scripture there is for that time. I did that and this time, I kept feeling like that was not what the message was. So opened my bible to what every page it landed on this morning and I open it to this. 1:24 This is why no form of suffering can interfere with my joy.  Every suffering on your behalf is just another opportunity to reinforce that which might still be lacking (in your understanding) of the affliction of Christ on behalf of His body which is the church.

It hit me hard I was wow I keep waking up at this time. Is this what you were trying to show me. So I began to pray for the church. I started to realize in my travels and in my experience of talking with people they were not offended by talking about God they were hurt by the church. I realize when I have traveled that size in the building was getting less. and more and more I heard this person stopped going to church because of they have too much hurt. 

I realized when I woke up to the fact of why I keep waking up at this time. I am not sure we look at church with the correct set of eyes. I realize I did not I looked at the church in the same expectation and eyes of how I saw God. But then When I thought about this I realized what if people were shown how to see with God's eyes of the church. I asked God how do you see the church. 

I saw his eyes water up and then I heard this how do you see your children. I right then and there had my eyes fill up with tears God I love my children I do not like always what They do But I can not control what they choose all I can do is teach them right from wrong and hope for the best. But I have so much love for them that I could honestly do just about anything for them to keep them safe to show them, my love. 

Then I heard this I see my Church as my body I love them They are my bride. I see them as complete I see them for what they are called to. But my eyes are with tears because the bride is hurting one another. I saw it then. We have been standing against each other instead of together. I realized we were too busy seeing with eyes of judgment we were too busy pointing out the flaws instead of the good. 

Then he showed me where things were good. He showed me pictures of people helping those in need the things people were praying in secret. I realized this the one thing that drove the good was love. 

Then I started to look at where the dysfunction was it is where we lacked in love. It was where we did not put love on first. it was where we judged. I do not believe it is our job to judge but to love. You see here is where I see the power in grace and love. I have watched from my own experience that even as I loved the most messed up people in society that they would blossom and become good they would change their lives sometimes it took years but I also know that when I stood with them even in their mess that they knew they were not alone. 

Even in my time in the hospital, I watched those that were alone the ones that faded the quickest. I also watched people pass that in the entire time I was there they had no one see them. I realized this that health even took love. I realized it was also the church that helped me find that healing. obvious there is something important to loving one another. They say if a child does not receive the love they will die. It seems to me love is a huge key in everything we do. 

Then I heard this What am I. I was taken back again you are love was my response. Then it hit me again. we always look with eyes of judgment even judging individual people in our body we will even push them away. I could then feel the pain of rejection and realized I have felt this also. And what did I do? I ran from the body. 

This season has been different when I feel like running I have decided to do the opposite I realized every church has it's issues just like every family has its issues. But this is where I am supposed to be what if I stayed was my response this year. What if I fight through the feelings of rejection. And what if I dig in and create relationships and know that just as life is a process so is building the relationship. And what if I looked at my body as a family I do not always like what they do but I will love them. You see we do not choose our family it is what we are given What if your body is the place God put you in because you are a part of the package you were an important piece of the puzzle for that body. I guess what I got out of this is this we need to look with in our hearts and maybe see what we need to do individually to create a better community with one another. Blessings all hope you enjoyed my heart this morning. and my talks with God. 

Finding Victory

                                       Finding Victory

If you truly want to know what I am about what is the biggest thing that makes my heart beat this would be it. I am always about building community. And I am about the team. I use to have an amazing team back in Saskatoon. If any of you read this I just want to say even in our inexperience and dysfunction we have to admit we had a strong team and we knew how to build a family and also how to respect each other and give each other special time with our family. Every band I have been in every community I have been apart of a building has always been family first. Love that.

Then there was this time that my heart was crushed it was totally destroyed this happened when my house was burnt to the ground. I built walls. I would not let anyone in. Not a soul I spent it being just this musician who traveled from church to church doing worship. I would pour my heart out to the father cause that I never let go of. Just people and Church. I still had a community of people the cool thing is it required me to travel to the mountains to see them and the entire time these friends always had my back. Let's face it during this time letting go of the church for me was also me figuring out life and what I believed it meant I made some unwise choices and made some wise ones. But this caused my life to fall into a depth of poverty that just ripped me of everything.

My heart was destroyed and so was my world. You see I have more than one miracle in my life. Anyway here is a gist of it without me writing a book at this moment. You see I was searching for love and some of that was in the wrong place but yet I do not regret my life because it made me see the world that woken something up inside me. Sometimes hitting the bottom is the best place to land. In my chaos, I did not ever stop family that was always top. But in this, my kids learned parents make mistakes and yet this parent chose to make them a part of the victory because what better witnesses than the ones who see the change every day. So let me let you in a little. I was practically living with a boyfriend something I never thought I would ever do. A person with very strong morals lost some of those morals. I will also say this. It opened my eyes up to who I was. At least it was a start. I learned my entire life I can say I never felt loved. I felt less than and Judged miss understood yes. Rejected and afraid yes. Growing up I learned if you say what you think you will get knocked out. Say what they want to hear and you are safe.

My step brother and I remember taking blame for stuff just to take a grounding when we never even did the crime. I spent my life taking blame for stuff I did not do. I have learned now that is not what you do.
I had to learn to become an adult because I left home at an early age. Thank God new what he was doing and surrounded me with some amazing spiritual fathers and mentors. You guys know who you are thanks.

So back to where I was going anyway on Jan 5 I remember hitting rock bottom I was living off of 400 a month after housing charges. My boys and I were forced to live on faith. I realized this. I have two options here. I either end things in my life and know they have a great family to be with and will be financially set for the rest of their lives and help the family who would have them also. At this point, my health was going down hill. And I was on a hand full of medications I could barely afford to just keep me going. I was in pain every day. And I did not want to put my kids through this.

So I was listening to the song (Say something) By Christina Aguilera I shouted out to God. Say something here cause I see only two options I am not even allowed to work what Can I do I am stripped of everything that I know. At this point, I did not even have many relationships cause I chose to be a hermit. I was alone pretty much except for a few friends But again they did not know what I was going through. I was hiding it. well, at least I thought this. I look in the mirror and I have the plan and then all of a sudden my phone starts dinging my computer starts going off. It was all my mentors from throughout my life. And some were saying sorry and others were saying what is going on you are strongly in my heart. So I told them. I let them in. And at that moment I knew what I was going to do.

The next day I rolled out of bed and began to do push-ups I started to work out. I stepped outside and went to the store and filled my fridge with healthy food with the little I had in my account. I decided I was going to get healthy and fight to work again. I wanted to provide again for my family. Then I walked into my Dr's office and told him I am done with these meds how can I survive this disease and not be on this crap.
He looked at me and said the one thing you keep saying no to. it was Cannabis CBD yes at this point I said let's do this. I am done these meds are destroying my life and I want to try a natural approach. You need to know they had me on strong narcotics just to live with the pain I lived with. I knew this was not going to be easy as it had been 15 years of 12 prescriptions just to function. Well, guess what in 3 months after being on CBD blended with THC for the painful times. I was no longer on any chemicals for prescriptions I had also lost 65 lbs on my own. Life was amazing I was getting healthy felt great. I started to do small jobs here and there to build up the ability to work again.

I truly thought I hit the season where everything returns also my band returned home so that was also huge. But it was not over the pain I thought was the most pain I had already faced was not over. You see at this point I had worked so hard I had become a new person. But I realize now another storm was going to hit and it would be the biggest storm I have ever faced in my life. I realized something this storm did, though. It showed me the parts of my life that were built on solid rock and the parts that were built on the sand.

On Aug 22 I went from being told I would spend the rest of my life paralyzed from the neck down due to a horrible car wreck. All I could do was tell the Dr no way. Every day I sat there in the hospital my response was the same no way. inside I had the largest war going on the fear of what if this is real this time. it was the realization I still had some deep soul searching to go through. I did not want to die but yet I am faced with I do not want to be a burden to my children. If I am just ahead what Will I be if I can not play music what can I do? I am yet at the bottom here with only the options to just have a mindset shift and believe what I am saying. I said to the Dr no way. So I am going to stand in this. I remember sitting there even commanding my body to line up. And then John and Yvette came in laid hands on me and prayed. After came the shock I was being taken to VGH another MRI and the next thing I know is the DR. comes running in and states that the bleed is gone haha. I was correct you see I also told him I was walking out of here. lol, I walked but quite funny still could not feel my legs from my knee to my toes. But I did not care I was so full of Joy I could play guitar and I was determined to learn to play drums again just modify the kit.

So this is Where God takes the healing to the next level and also Where I learn I was not even close to being done this process. Out of respect and love for my dear friends John and Yvette who prayed for me and stood with me throughout my hard times in life, we would go to this conference they invited us to. Fricken heck had no idea it would become not only my church but the place where God stretches me beyond. But a place I consider family and like any family we have messy times also. But this is where the sand would be dissolved and my home would be built on solid rock.

On this day I also would receive the second part of my healing to be able to walk again. Yup and this became a written medical miracle. How sweet is that? But also on this day I also found some of the connections that would be a huge part of this Journey to find myself and healing to go from death to life. Where reconciliation and Victory becomes a reality. Let me first tell you this entire process was not easy and messy at times But this will go into more detail in a book. But put it this way in a year I had several procedures surgeries and bled for 7 months and way too much blood loss. I was skin and bone at this point and weak for quite a long time. for 7 months I was on liquids only for 11 months I was on a strict diet of very little and flavor did not become an option till an amazing chef taught me how to make stuff with the ingredients I could use but even that chef admitted that this diet was difficult to even for the chef  to create with.

The thing is though at the same time I was going through the depths of my soul digging through the pain of my heart facing the old mindsets and learning new ways to think. learning to except love. The problem is your heart desires love but when you are afraid you push it away by either being desperate because that is what happens when you do not know love then find it. It becomes a love hate battle in your mind. The reality is you have to accept the love and it was not until I truly recognized that what I believed in the beginning but what honestly the church taught me the opposite so I thought I was wrong. I learned that when I first met Jesus on the mountain and what he showed me was real. The man was not correct. This is the truth He died He finished the work He is not judging you he is loving you and walking through this life called humanity. We make mistakes and he already washed it clean. every day truly is a new start. So now learning this you think ok that is it easy right.

Frick no I had to go through the process of actually walking it out to have it embedded in my heart. in the depth of my soul. Haha and from running from man all these years I now was in a place where no matter how much I wanted to run everyone pointed me back to be immersed in the place that truly was actually showing that love. They believed the same way I did and when I sat back and thought of church like a family reunion then It shifted for me. Ha ha Cause come on family reunions we all love each other we do not always like each other but we love each other and if ya mess with us we have your back. lol. that is family and This Church I will say showed me that. They also taught me to actually make an effort to have relationships. Ya see that is a good thing when you are hiding then it makes you come out. lol.

The thing is God has been amazing also because in this process I also traveled a lot and in my travels met new relationships of amazing people to have to speak into your life. And it is pretty cool cause even in their insane schedules they make sure they take the time to encourage me and like clockwork on the days I am feeling low without even making an effort generally I will get a word of encouragement. I have been truly blessed with some amazing friends. The thing is life did not stop there I finally reached a place of healing from the one thing that was going to take me to my grave. I still have health problems but the natural medicine truly helps me function a normal life. The amazing thing is I have gone from being a person of Need to now being again the person of giving. I have become the person who was unable to get out of bed to someone who has leaped bounds I still sometimes have days I need to rest. But I am doing the things that give me a life I am running my own business and it is built on helping others find healing for their health. I started that by doing everything for free for a while actually mostly giving out of my own pocket to show my worth. I did it worked and now life is starting to come together. Look forward to making my first pay. I am so grateful for a good church like Genesis and Bethel in Redding and friends all over California who just help support and encourage and prayed for me for days and weeks and months. You all know who you are. And those who gave me a place to have someone to talk to when I was fighting through Sickle cell. And yes that is gone healed. The process is beautiful and so is the victory.

let me know if you enjoy this and if you would love to get to read one day a more in-depth story from beginning to now. Cause I honestly this is just a tiny smidgen of the story.