Just going to let it all out.

I am kind of in a place where I am tired of holding back. I am sick of the gossip and if you think you are smart enough to think it is not known you really need to wake up. Judgment gossip is a horrible thing that is what causes destruction.
I am going to say I am not innocent of these thoughts or actions. I am human but is this our excuse is to live the human existence is to be a cruel devastating lying machine.

And is the church truly the worst for this. How about our government or is our world or just our country or just our town the only place that struggles with the continues of judging others.

How about to stop for the one-second look at their actions. What do you truly see? Look for one moment in the person you are judging and what do you see. Does this person fight through storms that you can not even imagine in your pretty world? or your hidden world. What if the person you are judging is the one that causes you to look deep within your own soul and see what is truly going on.?
What is it that causes us to make assumptions of another when we ourselves have our own mess to deal with?
Have we ever stopped for one second to truly understand What walking in Grace means does it mean we can speak of these actions but when faced with walking them out we do not know how or do we know how? We just stopped listening to the truth that beats within our hearts.
And as a body does seeing someone once a week give you validation to actually think you know them or does actually going into their world seeing their environment when they invite them in to see who they truly are. I think how we truly get to know someone is the example Jesus gave us yup.

You see what example did we have. Many he went into our world from the very beginning. he came and was totally loved at first and then hated in the end. Wow does that not blow your mind. And then in our world even still is laughed at but yet worshiped at the same time. Something that never had the intention to harm but show us true Grace true love true sacrifice a true example of what we ourselves are capable of doing you see if Jesus came to teach us to love then does that not mean we are capable of this. I believe in the trinitarian way or I would say if that does not make sense Greek orthodox is becoming the closest thing I can attain to being something I can connect with at this point.

As all, I am on a Journey and this is a rant from the heart. I have been facing some of this over this week. And I have also been hearing from so many others going through this. So as the Lionheart I was once given the nickname I thought I was told no longer to be silent and hear I am speaking something that even myself can work on. Let's open up our hearts and see what all of us can change a little. We all need each other in the end. The beautiful thing is this. Because actions speak louder than words that's when our true colors get shown either good or bad. 

The year of the return and some.

Ha, I just have to laugh every day How can I not wake up in complete joy every day even when I wake up with a sore back and neck every day it never gets me down. And every night I return home I return home in tears but they are tears of great gratitude and joy.

You see I was so enslaved you have no idea. I was tortured by my memories of my past and I was running for many years. You wonder how I have experienced so much well at the same time that I was running inside my soul my mind was still going and trying to find freedom I was seeking love I was looking for what I was told existed but never truly understood. I was so lost and tortured inside. Then my body finally broke and health took over. in that it stopped my mind from spinning and the fear of rejection began to break. I will never forget this day I know this was the day the chains broke and this was the day that I began to seek every inch of my soul and this was the day where I started to see the heavens open and I started to see the transformation in my heart. These were the words that ring through my ear every day.

God align her heavenly body with her physical body. It hit me like a ton of bricks What This is possible if this is possible then there is a possibility of healing. Maybe this is the path to healing. I began the journey I said fine I will do this. The thing is it was a messy thing to walk out and painfully gained and lost some friends but hey man the greatest is having all those that have ever impacted your heart and help you be who you are today because they took the time to mentor you well they all started to rise up and stand with me. And with this I felt like the strength inside of me began to rise I truly started to see what they saw all these years. The thing is it took hard work. It took me willing to go deep.

You know you are on the right track when you now hold a letter in your hand from the government of child protection services stating they made a mistake and now they are saying they are sorry. I was left in an unsafe situation and they know that and they are doing what they can to make up for it. I am watching my family rise up. I am watching reconciliation happening. I have now also been finding it funny as Papa has lined up slowly and surely every mentor that has impacted my life to see just what God has done. When they all see the change man I tell ya that does something to you your confidence rises and you stand even stronger you know you are not alone.

Meanwhile, when I go off every morning I now help others find healing how amazing is this I walked through pain to only in the end be able to relate to so many people. and be able to help them find healing through so many avenues. This brings joy in the morning and tears of thankfulness each night. Meanwhile, in each corner, I know who has my back. My life is becoming a living testimony and I have made some mistakes in it but hey how many of us are perfect on that is the beauty of each day. And a precious thing that Grace shows us.

So what is the change well it is this I have seen God always pointing down on me I knew I had Jesus by my side but this was this constant battle I am loved but you are no good. that was the constant battle and life was about proving myself I never spoke what I truly felt I was too busy saying what I thought others wanted to hear. As the fear was they will hurt you if you speak the truth. Not anymore something I was always taught finally pierced my heart. And I will say this again it was when I heard the words let your heavenly body line up with your physical body. boom I looked around the room and looked at my phone and I realized holy shit look who stands here with me. You are so loved you can do this.

From that moment I took a step over the line of my old mindset into a new mindset. I excepted grace but now I also had to battle through everything I was taught and find out what was truth for me. I am still figuring that out. But the cool thing is I am gaining wisdom and knowledge every day. While gaining more understanding in healing. There is so much to healing it is crazy. We need to look from inside out. and look at the environment and see what needs to change we need to add things that are missing into our body to a line it and make it healthy. We need to also focus on our thoughts each day, not an easy task when you have so many lies in your head from your past and you need to walk through them it is like walking through a wall sometimes. But trust me the other side is worth it. and trust me You for sure need to look at God he is right there with you and he holds the keys to the truth.

Let's face it we are all broken people we all have a story and now it is time to heal the story. Trust me we can all find this it is there for us to grab healing is real. I have found physical and emotional healing from the head to the heart.

To have the scales fall to find Grace.

I feel like today is a day of miracles I have now been without my meds that keep me alive for 48 hrs for some reason I have not needed them and Sadie is bored lol. I have realized so much in this Journey And I will say this The church messed me up under the law more than my own dysfunctional family. Even in the pain and being kicked when being down in the church. I still served I served for the wrong reasons. It was To show them this is not how God loves but it was not in the right heart. I wanted grace but I myself was also trapped in religion. I had this constant battle inside me the fact my heart new the truth and the fact I was taught opposite and beat down for even thinking outside the box I feel this affected me inside and out and I am the only one to truly blame because I am responsible for my own life.

To me, it was more bitterness walking out and I believe it affected my health it took me out slowly. pain and inner pain can be nasty. It can totally take you out actually just saying. You see I later saw this in my heart and then started to see it effect my heart for God I started to become cold and numb and the circumstances around me made that happen even more. I would say I did not think of anyone but myself.

I even stopped being in the church for a while but barely hung onto God. Then one day I woke up. It came with me being at the point of ending this suffering. I would say it was the beginning of the healing process. I was ready to end the health pain the physical pain the emotional pain and I felt worthless. If even the church saw me as nothing then truly I am even now a waste to God.

And I have screwed up way too much to ever be free of this. I can not be a good mom in this. And that was huge my kids and I lost everything that is another story. We lived on nothing and I new they would be financially set and have a family that was not ill it was not a unselfish act but is at the same time. My boys did not care about the money they care about mom. But that night on my desperate knee I asked God to speak I said to say something as I listened to the song. Say something. I looked in the mirror and said these words. God, you need to show up here I need to know if this will pass. And then my phone went off.  it was literally ding ding like crazy. It was my mentors it was the pastors of the churches that hurt me all with I am so sorry. are you ok? I did not even shout out to them. But they new. I then told god two things in that mirror I said: "say something and I will wake up and get this fat ass out of bed and no matter how much pain I have I will work out I will get my health back I will dig into my heart of hearts and get help". God spoke. And I followed through with my vision. I did well too.

But there was so much more after this I was on top of the world so I thought then a car accident took me out. And took my health into the biggest crisis ever. I also found out why my health was a mess before It was everything needed the answer to be able to seek full healing. And I was blaming God for this accident but in fact, it was a blessing in disguise I needed answers this made everything come forward. And no I do not see this as God did this. It was just part of the circumstances that brought it to the forefront. There is something about being told all these words that make you dig deep into your soul you are going to be in a wheelchair for the rest of your life with only being able to use your head. and then being informed after you walked that out you are going to die.

The thing I know now healing is a process there is so much to it. Even down to us looking at our planet that God created to see what Gems he has on earth for healing. There is a lot out here. I learned about mindset the power of our Brain again that God created. traveled all over. Gained friends with wisdom and we experienced the process together. These new friends could see who I was and had no past experiences with me and no rumors or Gossip so it was pure. They were examples of the father's heart. seeing me complete and treating me as if I see it also. This is way more empowering than pointing out the shame and bad. Heck, I think the person living in this sees it and it is most likely torturing them as it is. Heck, their circumstances. The feeling of living without grace alone is tormenting to the soul.

 I now believe the fruit and harvest happen when we allow the scales to fall from our eyes and we let go of the pain and bitterness and we embrace the grace and love it just makes you want to reach for the stars because you are already a star. You want to walk in wholeness because you are whole. Yes, the world can talk you down but as you get stronger and you walk through the process of being enlightened and understanding the trinity and understanding that truly we are already free. Then it does not matter what others think of the mistakes in your life that are just what they are they are just a part of the journey there is no shame in it. But as you walk in the process the fruit will show You will not even need to speak it will just happen. Your life things will unfold the vision it will start to happen with ease. Because when you already are that it is not an issue anymore. And remember failure is not truly failure unless you do not learn and get back up. We all must just get up and go dust the dirt from your shoes and move on from the mess.

Now I see I was blind even as a pastor for many years. I now see I am standing on a rock. We all can put on love. I will add this I am very grateful for my church. Do not get me wrong we are not a perfect church but we do walk in grace And we do know how to love even in the mess of life. And for once my church feels more like a family then it does a building with events. it is more of I want to be there just to see my bros and sisters. I feel so blessed. Even though life is a process. I am not perfect as a human But I am perfect and complete with God. 

I have to admit What a crazy day. I have to also admit that Wow God had unraveled me today. I have been searching for a missing friend all day today that was in need of being found. The police worked with me in an amazing way. The other thing is this The homeless community were also amazing. I woke up with this song. Today I am no longer a slave. I realized something. I have worked in social justice pretty much my entire working years. Here I am again starting my own business and this all has to do with helping those in need. But then God is like I have more I am going to show you just where you can walk and what can happen when you walk in peace. in the midst of everything I knew I would find my friend. He is more than a friend he is apart of our family. He was living with us back when he was younger so the boys treat him like an older brother. I got to see my boys hearts again. So precious After we found him we got him cleaned up and fed. But as my bud would say tonight the boys were like an older brother. They looked out for him even in the mess of where he was at.

 They loved on him. Fed him clothed him Then We met up with the police and in a precious moment of seeing the community coming together, we then made the trip to the hospital and then I got to walk in there with authority also.
I have to say this God showed himself to this song cause as we walked into the house I put it on and I began to cry all I could see was the heart of the father for our foster son. the funny thing is there we are in the hospital and he turns to me. I love this guy even in his pain with addiction he so loves God. He has always heard him really well also. And boy does he know his greek and Hebrew and scripture. The guy is brilliant.  He said this and Now just getting ready to write this I am loosing it.
 You Leanne he said" You are a great mother you have put those boys first. You have done well. You let go of your oldest and you treat him like a man You encourage your youngest to be all he is. You have gone through so much but you have always loved those that were in your home. You also taught us to never steal from you because you said you would always know and would rather gift us. You are why I know God you are why I am even still here I know I am a mess. But my heart is loved it just is a process.
This is my Journey and love how you are letting me walk it out but being here when I just need to know I am loved. Is good.

It amazes me and shows the heart of the father even in his mess he knows who he is loved by. The hospital did not keep him to help him. So pray he will show up tomorrow for getting into treatment. I am sad the hospital did not keep him. But I also know I can not do anything about that. I know what I am able to do and not. This is a difference because I use to feel like I had to save everyone.
 But see with Grace and knowing we are already a part of God I can look at his heart and know all I can do is trust the heart of the Father pray and be here to show the love even if it means having coffee together and making sure he is still functioning. He knows his bros they love him. he knows his family back home love him.

 I believe this everyone deserves love and respect and taught they have the power to make their own choices. I see more healing in people over the years if you let them go through the process we can not do the work for them. But we can love and show what options there are. And just hope that through this one day they will realize their value.

I think this is the thing we need to remember we are no longer slaves we are Children of God it says this in scripture and maybe we all need to remember it Colosians 3:1-11  3:1 Pursue with diligence the consequence of your co-inclusion in Christ. Relocate yourself mentally! His resurrection co-raised you to the same position of authority, seated in the strength of God’s right hand.

3:2 Becoming affectionately acquainted with Throne Room thoughts will keep you from being distracted again by the earthly (soul-ruled) realm.

3:3 Your union with His death broke the association with that world; the secret of your life now is the fact that you are wrapped up with Christ in God.

3:4 Every time Christ is revealed as our life, we are being co-revealed in the same glory (likeness and image of God) being united together with Him.

3:5 Consider the members of your body as dead and buried towards everything related to the porn industry, sensual uncleanness, longing for forbidden things, lust and greed which are just another form of idol worship.

3:6 It was because of these things that the anger of God fell upon His son.

3:7 Because of our unbelief we were all once swept along into a lifestyle of lust.

3:8 But now you can permanently rid yourselves of all these things: things such as violent outbursts of rage, depression, all manner of wickedness, slander (any attempt to belittle someone else and to cause someone to fall into disrepute or to receive a bad reputation, which is blasphemy) and every form of irregular conversation.

3:9 We are no longer obliged to live under the rule of a sinful nature, neither are we cheating anyone through false pretensions,

3:10 but we stand fully identified in the new creation renewed in knowledge according to the pattern of the exact image of our Creator.

3:11 The revelation of Christ in everyone gives identity to the individual beyond anything he could ever be as a Greek or a Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, foreigner, savage, slave or free. From now on everyone is defined by Christ; everyone is included in Christ.

The mysterious creature that lives in the home when no one else has done it.

Oh, my what a crazy 24 hrs. I mean I spent Sunday looking for someone missing Thank God between the homeless community and the police we were able to find him.  I also went into the mountains for some down time and then a worship meeting. Pretty good time actually. Then I went to the hospital to go see my friend who was missing. And spent some quality time with my friend took him to a shelter . SO I think to myself well I am exhausted the night before I had 3 hrs sleep and this time I got 2 hrs sleep. Why well I get home to a sink full of a science experiment or something you never know with teens. They do the strangest things and my boys have always done some strange youtube science experiment I have come home to much unique science experiences never a dull moment in my house.

 So ya I get home to a sink full of water and smelling like Neet hair removal. Oh great, I think So I think to myself well I could fix this easy probably just take the pipe off under the sink and clean it out. Oh my gosh, it was a bigger job than I thought. lol, Let's say this a bottle of Neet does not belong down a sink and that was a lot of hair. it was like hard liquid sludge and here I am in the middle of the night now having to fix this.  Well then you know you get into  you have everything out of under the sink out of the cupboard so I mean you might as well get that organized.  And then if you are me well you can not have a dirty bathroom so then it was cleaned.

The funny part is this you have two teenagers in the house you know you did not do this cause you were out. And well I do not need to use that. But yet they are like what do you mean neet. So either some strange creature lives in my house that is smart enough to remove their hair with Neet it can not be Sadie she still has hair and it can not be the other two dogs they are too dumb lol and have hair. Hmm, I wonder. could be one of their friends but how do you not know who filled the sink like that how can you not see the sink is full in the first place.
Does anyone else have a strange creature living in their home that does things cause no one else has done it in the home?  ( sarcasm) oh, my goodness teens. Oh, the life of a mom I think we are part detective cause we always are trying to figure out who could have done that.